I Will Be At Peace
by karkatvantas0626
Summary: Humanstuck.Karkat is depressed and in the end, comes to a conclusion of what to do. TW: Cutting, depression, suicide, mild violence.


Been going through some shit, and i decided to write somefin, so this happened. As usual, Homestuck belongs to our Lord Hussie.

I don't understand why I've felt like this for so long. So sad and unhappy. Or why I have so many scars on my body, caused by blades, razors and knives. It doesn't make sense to be so depressed when I have so much to live for. Crabby old Grandad and my calm father, talkative Kankri and his friend Meenah, all of my friends like Gamzee, Sollux, Eridan, Nepeta, Terezi, Dave, John, Jade, and all the others. They don't know what I do in my room, tears streaming from my abnormal red eyes that are always hidden under my white hair. They don't know how long it takes to clean up all the blood that I lose, and how much more numb I feel afterward, the way I lay in bed, feeling emotionless and cold. I had been thinking all of this when I bumped into John, he had been talking to Dave with his back to me and I hadn't even noticed I was already at school. "Oh! Sorry Karkat, I was standing right in the way, wasn't I?" He turned around and pushed up his glasses, Dave smirking behind him with his shades still hiding his eyes as always. With a glare, I stormed away, I didn't want to be near anyone, it was the first day, and still no one knew that I, the kid that used to have a crush on every girl, was gay. My Grandfather would disown me if he knew, my father wouldn't know what to do, and all Kankri would do is lecture me that it was triggering to come out without giving off signs before hand. I knew either John or Dave was following me and it pissed me off for no reason as I turned around and threw out my fist, hitting Daves' shades and shattering them on impact. "O-oh God, I'm so fucking sorry!" I ran, all the way to the opposite side of the school grounds, wanting to go farther, but tripping and landing on my face, at the feet of Gamzee and his boyfriend in the wheelchair, Tavros. "Hey my best friend, what the motherfuck is up?" I knew there were tears on my face as I got up and sniffled. All I did was shake my head and walk away, holding onto the straps of my backpack as hard as I could, trying to hold in the screams that wanted to break out of my chest, tell anyone what I was feeling and plead for them to help, but instead, I just headed to class. I went through the day, not paying attention and staying inside my mind, not doing any work, walking as though I were a zombie. Finally it was time to go home, but I was still distracted and didn't notice when Dave, Terezi, John, Vriska, Rose, and Kanaya started walking beside me. They were quiet, only barely whispering to each other, asking what was wrong with me and why wasn't I yelling like I always do. Only Dave was silent, part of his face bandaged from earlier, and he started to get closer to me. Only now did I see that he had the same blood red eyes that I did, I don't know what surprised me more: the fact that he hid it so well, or the fact that no one else had mentioned it. The thoughts started to flow me head and realized that he was it, he was the boy I liked, always had been, but I just hadn't wanted to admit it. It made me start to cry even more, because he was with Terezi and I knew he'd never fall for me. My feet started to go faster, till I was speed walking away from them, I needed to be alone, not with them. When they noticed that I was trying to get away they tried to catch up, but I was already up the stairs on my front porch and heading inside. Dave called something to me, but I ignored it, heading past my sleeping Grandpa and father, who was in the kitchen doing something. Past Kankri practicing one of his speeches in his room, all the way to my room, on the second floor at the end of the hall. I slammed the door shut and slide down to the floor, holding my head in my hands, crying and crawling over to my nightstand to grab my razor blades. I don't know how long I sat there looking at the blades before slowly dragging it across my wrist, only once, before taking off my shirt and standing in front of the mirror. _Fuck up._ The razor carved it into my stomach that was already covered with scarred words. It must have been hours later, multiple bloody words on my tummy, when I heard a knock at my door. Tossing the razor in my drawer and quickly putting on a shirt, I opened the door to see Kankri.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I just wanted to make sure that you were alright, you didn't come down to dinner and you haven't been ranting all day. It….honestly isn't like you," my brother started to walk into my room and before I knew it, I was storming out for no reason. Why cant I control my emotions? Why am I so angry and sad at the same time? I don't know, and maybe I never will. I ran, ran past my father's room and the dining room table with plates still on it, past my grandad who had been standing in the living room, straight to the middle of the road in front of my house. Night had fallen and it was dark, the lights of the car speeding towards me were shocking, but I wasn't scared. Not of death or the pain, of nothing, except for the fact that it might not kill me, and I would live the rest of my life in a mental institution. I just stood there and let the car run me down like a deer, and it was over. My head must have been smashed or I might still be alive. Death was perfect, and as I had wanted it, painless, calm, and happiness. Finally I won't get called names, or be punched and kicked and tripped in the school halls. There will be no more anger left in me, and finally...I will be at peace.


End file.
